Monthly Archives: June 2012

The REAL Miss Universe.


We were in the middle of the Miss Universe contest; the talent portion was well under way. Miss Germany had done an interesting dance wearing lederhosen and those beautifully decorated suspenders that are their typical cultural costume and Miss Austria played a Strauss waltz on the piano; I believe it was, “The Kaiser-Walzer” and now it was Miss Norway’s turn. She was doing a dance with ribbons that was a cross between a cultural dance and rhythmic gymnastics when suddenly the air came alive with static. Her hair went straight up in the air and so did her dress. We all would have laughed at the knee length underwear she had on except that we were too busy trying to brush our own hair back down. The smell of ozone in the air became thicker and thicker as a spaceship came into view over our heads and lowered itself to the ground.
It was a smallish sized ship, as spaceships go, and was able to land on the stage right next to Miss Norway. I expected her to faint but she was simply frightened into immobility. I think it was the fact that she was just as curious as the rest of us as to what exactly was going to step out of the ship when the door opened why she stayed on her feet. She wasn’t disappointed and neither were we because what stepped out was six aliens. And when I say aliens I do mean aliens. One had two heads, no arms and three slits down the center of the face; or should I say where a human would have a face. Another had no legs and floated down above the gangplank. There was one who was, well the only word I can use to describe it is, that it was made of ooze that undulated through the colors of the rainbow in the perfect sequence of roy-g-biv. The ooze also cycled through the faces of all the other women in the contest’ including those of the other aliens. The next looked like a spider with a head that had eyes all the way around it; eight of them. Another looked like a salamander with hair all over it; including the face. That’s right, a salamander face all covered with hair. And the last appeared in a puff of smoke like “I Dream of Genie”. She, at least, looked like a normal woman until she turned around and you saw that she had a forked tail that she displayed with pride.
How they all fit in that little spaceship was question enough, but why they had climbed into it and what they were doing here was the bigger question; but we soon got our answer. A beam of light burst from the spaceship so bright that everyone had to avert their gaze. When we looked back there was a man, or should I say a being hovering in the doorway of the ship. We couldn’t tell if he was there or if it was a hologram because the image shifted from one appearance to another every ten seconds. One second it looked like one of the judges at the table but with his or her clothing in a different color; ten seconds later he would look like one of the beings he brought with him but wearing a tuxedo like the judges. But that wasn’t the strangest part; what happened next was worst. The man/hologram/image-thing began emitting sounds so bizarre and mind numbing that it caused every human in the place to clap their hands over their ears and groan or bawl in pain. Some it caused to faint and others found they were unable to keep their lunch where it was. One noise sounded like a cross between a rake going across concrete and a foghorn, another was like a high pitched whine mixed with the pain of having a boulder dropped on your head. Unable to stand it any longer several people began screaming, “Stop it, please stop it!”  and other variations of the same request. That’s when we found out what the awful noises were because the alien MC stopped making weird sounds and said, “Ah, there’s your language; now we can communicate.” I don’t need to tell you we were all very pleased that it was just an attempt at communication and not some type of weapon, because we would have been royally screwed.
Now that we could understand each other it was time to get an answer to the last question; just what were they here for? And here is the wildest part of the whole thing, the reason why a group of aliens landed on earth in the middle of a Miss Universe contest. The being who made the squeaking noises was an interstellar Em-cee and the six beings who exited the ship before him were contestants. They had come to make this the first REAL Miss Universe contest.